addictions

Been Awlile...

2008-11-18T09:06:00.000-08:00

Gee..
I haven't blogged in over a month!!

Well i'll try to update as much as possible ya..

It's been hectic with university applications. One particular university actually.
University of Sydney!!
I actually have 2 options. To do it locally or un Sydney full time. I applied for both.
I'm actually prepared to leave for sydney.. Its a huge change.. but its a change i want..
Best of all i get to go with my best friend!!

Right now, its just about waiting for the uni's response. Which stupidly taked 4-6 weeks!! Sigh.. anyway i book temporary accomodation just in case..

Me? im still single.. but.. somehow that man has snuck himself into my life again..
Maybe im weak. Maybe its fate. I dunno..

But i have to say my last entry was written in a fit of anger.. Right now i guess he knows that he has alot to do if he still wants me..

If he really wants to marry me and and have a family and future with me, he's got so much to prove...

Then and only then would i take him back.

In the mean time im just trying to focus on work and my degree plans.

So tomorrow im headin to the beach with birthday girl suraidah, then we're headed to st james!!
Partaaaay!!!
Weee..

hahaha.. riight..
It occured to me that leaving would mean leaving everything i ever became fond of.. Everyone..
I know that's going to be the toughest thing i've ever had to do.. but then i am tryin to welcome the change with an open mind..
It's going to eb good to be on my own two feet for awhile.. Study, work, put a roof over my own head and feed myself.. I think it's really going to make me grow even more as a person..
But it still is going to be hard to be away from home for a year..
I just hope i can prepare myself for it.
I choose not to think about it till i have my acceptance letter in my hand..

Well i better pack.. its gettin late..
I'll TRY to rememebr to update ok..

:D

2007-08-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

SIGH...

Lets see.. I'm sighing for a number of things.. Firstly, i cant believe i finally have some time to blog. Secondly, so so so much has happened lately that i dont know where to start. Thirdly and lastly, I'm so so happy.

Well lets just say, that finally, for once in my life, i found a guy that i actually want. A guy that fits the bill in more ways that i could ever imagine. A guy im proud to have by my side, who compliments me and who i am proud to love.

Now i have to admit, the way we got to where we are is a little dramatic and unfortunate..
Here's a short version:
He was previously dating my best friend.
We started talking when she tried to end things with him, he was just looking to figure out from me whats going on with her.
We fell in love.

We all know that life is waaay more complicated than that. But i dont think that details are necessary.
I just hope that by now, my bestie has realised that i never meant to hurt her and that i am really sorry for everything that happened and also accepts that me and him are a couple and will be for a long long time... Babe, I've said all i could say to you. I just hope you come round soon.

Right now, i just am cherishing every moment we spend together. So this is what its like to really be in an adult relationship. This is what its like to love and be loved unconditionally. I have to admit, i thought it was all overrated, but now i see why all the fuss. It is pretty much the greatest feeling in the world. To actually have someone you can depend on there and to have someone love you with all his heart. Its amazing. After all the shit ive been through with regards to life in general and especially pertaining to matters of the heart, the only word on my mind is.. FINALLY.

I'm going to sound like one of those really annoying love sick puppies but i say fuck it.

He is smart.. he doesnt even realise how smart he is.
He is cute... And i'm not saying that because im his girlfriend.
He is mature... LIKE OMG I CANT BELIEVE HE IS ONLY 21 KINDA MATURE.
He has a great personality.... :)
We can talk about ANYTHING.
We both want similar things in life.
We both expect similar things from our partners.
He will be a great father.

ok and the list goes on...
All i know is, i'm finding it hard not to just let all my guard down. Especially when he is letting down his. But i know that its absolutly stupid if i do. Its a self preservation thing i guess.. Sigh..

Well all i can do now is to work as hard as he is to make this last... So far so good.. Its all i could ever imagine a relationship would be. We compromise and work things out and we share the good and the bad moments... :)

Im crossing my fingers and crossing my toes.
I really really hope...
He's the one.

:)

Song of the hour..

2007-06-30T13:21:00.000-07:00

James Morrison -The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore

I've been twisting and turning,
In a space that's too small.
I've been drawing the line
and watching it fall,
You've been closing me in,
closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading
and watching it all fall apart.

Chorus
Well I can't explain
why it's not enough,
Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now,
oh just leave me now.
Its the better thing to do,
Its time to surrender,
Its been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces dont fit anymore,
Pieces dont fit here anymore.

You pulled me under,
I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
Thats breaking my skin.
Well i'll hide all the bruises,
I'll hide all the damage thats done.
But I show how Im feeling
until all the feeling has gone.

(Chorus)

Ooh don't missunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I've tried,
yes I've tried.
But still I don't know why,
no I dont know why.
III dont know why......

(Chorus)
Well I can't explain
why it's not enough,
Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now,
oh just leave me now.
Its the better thing to do,
Its time to surrender,
Its been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces dont fit anymore,
Pieces dont fit here anymore.

silent sufferers

2007-06-30T13:12:00.000-07:00

you know.. its 4am.. and i cant seem to sleep..

what happen to u? where did u go.. i miss u....

sigh.. work starts in 1 day... i just hope i can make it.. i just hope.. i will be a good nurse.. its scary.. whole new place.. ive never worked in ttsh b4.. i just hope i can do this..

Just got off the phone with my bestie...

bebe.
I know its a tough time.. things seem ever so confusing.. i know that.. but i just want u to always rememer..
" You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When Skies are grey
You Never know dear,
How much i love u
Please don't take my sunshine away"
And as it has been throughout all these years.. Im ur sunshine too.. always there for u on ur darkest days..:D

Whole new game.. New players.. New goals..New Oppurtunities..
New life

Not new me.. just hopefully.. a better me at the other side..

Drinks anyone?

weeeee

2007-05-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

WEEEE!! i FINISH poly!!! and i got DISTINCTION for attachments! weeeeeeeeeeee!!! I graduated!! Im a staff Nurse! TTSH here i come!!! ~~~~~

a song i'll sing one day..

2007-05-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

"Leaving On A Jet Plane"
I'm ... I'm ...
All my bags are packed,
I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
I'm ...

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I won't have to say ...

Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

And I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

la di da...

2007-03-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

"Lets go to the park.. i wanna kiss you underneath the stars"
And so.. i did... but no park tho.. haha

He tears me apart.. figures me out... takes away the bad..then puts me back together more whole than i ever was..

If that's not love.. i dont know what is..

i love you.

i call it love..

2007-03-19T06:38:00.000-07:00

i call it love- Lional richie

Look At You
You Look At Me
(You Can't Help It You're Feeling Butterflies)
Its obvious,
We have Chemistry
(I think I know it cuz it feels so right)
Girl I wanted so long to know
Now Your telling me you gotta let it go
(Dont Tell Me I have to start all over again)
I Never thought that this day would come
(This is somthing that i've wanted in my life)
I relize that you're the one
(and you're telling me its time to say goodbye)
To Put this out of my heart It ain't gonna change
So it shouldn't be so easy to walk away
(You feel it I feel it lets not be tense)

(Chorus)
Baby, I Don't Know What Love Is
Maybe I'm A Fool
I Just Know What I'm Feeling
And It's All Because Of You
Don't Tell Me
I Don't Know
I Want The Truth
Cuz They Call It
We Call It
You Call It
I Call It Love

It's so clear for you to see
(dont let anybody tell you what to do)
Why they can't they just let us be happy
(i dont want to find somebody new)
If you know whats real in your heart
Then dont let them tear us apart
(Cuz you feel it I feel it Lets think this through)

(Chorus)
Baby, I Don't Know What Love Is
Maybe I'm A Fool
I Just Know What I'm Feeling
And It's All Because Of You
Don't Tell Me
I Don't Know
I Want The Truth
Cuz They Call It
We Call It
You Call It
I Call It Love

(Break)
We Have a bond thats unbreakable
And its not time to let it go
And now that we know its real
We are going to let it show
To the whole world
That I'm yours forever
and you're my girl

(Chorus)
Baby, I Don't Know What Love Is
Maybe I'm A Fool
I Just Know What I'm Feeling
And It's All Because Of You
Don't Tell Me
I Don't Know
I Want The Truth
Cuz They Call It
We Call It
You Call It
I Call It Love
(Repeat 2)

Love
They Call It Love
I Call it
Love

wow

2007-03-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

why do i feel like i've been replaced...
wow i've never made u feel like ur no longer important to me..
right now.. you've made me feel damn insignificant...

argh..

2007-03-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

i cant help but feel... lost and empty...

maybe some people are born to be alone...

i hate studying.. and i dont think i can do well..

all i wana do right now.. is have a drink and party...

LAST DAY!!

2007-03-08T07:07:00.000-08:00

omg.. its finally here.. my last day of poly.. my last day sitting with my class.. my last day hanging out in school.. my last day listening to lectures... my last day of my poly education.

Thats it.. im done..

Darn that was a fast 3 yrs...sigh.. im so sorry that its over...

Oh well.. workin world.. here i come..

Other than that... ive met a really nice guy.. haha.. yup.. i have.. like finally.. lets just see how things go shall we.. :D :D :D

So i guess all i have to do now.. is focus on acing my exams.. :D
Books.. HERE I COME>> after tomorrow that is.. haha

TO all my poly peeps... i WILL MISS YOU so much... lets always keep in touch and stay great friends... These have been the most awesome years of my life.. thanks to all the peeps that made it possible!.. Love you guys man.. byebye NYP.. we shall meet again soon...

Vday and KL

2007-02-15T08:10:00.000-08:00

It's really been awhile since i updated.. busy with projects and attachments and all.. sigh.. i guess i just have been taking things one thing at a time.. so far.. alright..

Yesterday was valentines day.. i need not remind myself of the crap of a valentines i had last year with the boyfriend.. never the less i find myself realising that i will yet again be single on valentines.. though yes last year i wasnt but with that mistake i was seeing.. was pretty much equivelant.. anyway, i had dinner with a couple of my really closest and bestest of friends.. we ate and laughed adn trashed all those guys that have hurt us.. and we toasted to what great girls we are... then in the midst of the laughter my bestie said " oh my god".. naturally i followed her gaze and who else shows up but him. Oh gawd! i mean cmon.. its valentines.. i've already been thinkin about him. and glad that im over it all then he just has to show up?? what's with the turning up at the most off moments? he just seems to appear randomly.. So we talked and i played it cool as i always do.. then the moment he left i yelled at the sky.."WHY GOD??"... Thank goodness he was there with a bunch of guys.. not a girl.. and thank god i was not on a date or something.. haha.. i mean can u spell AWKWARD?.. so anyway.. afterwards he texted me " im so glad i bumped into you."........... rite....

Yahoo for valentines day... which genius thought up that idea..

anyway i'm heading for Kl tomorrow.. thank god. GAWD knows i need a break.. and its about time mind you.. haha.. shop shop shop!!

alright so im signin off for now.. gotta finish packing.. but a HELLO to my besties pris, yana, syafa and nurul!! i'll miss u babes!!! and thanks for a great day!! :D

PEACE!

im back

2007-01-14T05:40:00.000-08:00

The years turning out pretty good so far..
I'm smiling more.. laughing more.. just enjoying life..

I dunno how to explain it.. but i realised how simple and nice life can be.. been spending time with old friends... Sherm, paul, dan, ian, helena and her bart, su, syafa.. and i'm just chilling wth these great people.. and realising that life's good whn you have friends like this.. and im spending my other spare time reading books.. jsut enjoying the simplicities... somehow.. he's not been on my mind so much.. and im proud to say that i've firmly maintained the friends line with him successfully.. :D

It's in times of contemplation that you fully actually realise that you actually have a smile on your face.. and lately.. that smile has been appearing regularly.. gawd i missed feeling this way.. hahahah

goodbye 2006... hello 2007.. for real this time...

it feels good to be back.

2007-01-03T07:59:00.000-08:00

Would have given up my life for you
Guess it's true what they say about love
It's blind
Girl, you lied straight to my face
Lookin in my eyes
And I believed you cause I loved you more than life
And all you had to do
Was apologize...

You didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn't love me enough
My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me, again
No, no, no, no, no, no...

Sadness has me at the end of the line
Helpless, watched you break this heart of mine
And loneliness only wants you back here with me
Common sense knows that you're not good enough for me
And all you had to do
Was apologize, and mean it

But you didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn't love me enough
My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me

Wish like hell I could go back in time
Maybe then I could see how..
Forgiveness says that I should give you one more try
But it's too late, it's over now

You didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn't love me enough
My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me
Again

2007-01-03T07:56:00.000-08:00

Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the Ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted

broken..

2007-01-03T07:12:00.000-08:00

it's a new year...
Yet i feel like i'm in still the exact place..

i'm broken..

heart break, is by far one of the worst feelings a human could endure... it's worst than physical torture.. cause at least, those wounds eventually heal.. no.. when your heart is broken.. its much harder to heal.. and sometimes.. you just don't..

I find that the longer the duration of the heart break, the longer it takes to heal.. i for one have had my heart broken slowly.. piece by piece.. and i don't know how long i'm going to take to heal.. i don't know if i ever am going to heal..

i've been crying..
My eyes are pretty dry..
i've been crying so much inside..

I pray to god for strength right now.. cause my hands are trembling.. my knees are buckling and i swear all i want to do it just cry my heart out.. just cry till i have no more tears to shed.. cry till my eyes are swollen.. cry till i collapse with exhaustion.. yet.. im to stubborn to do it.. i refuse to give in... and another part of me just wants to cry and pray to god that it makes the healing faster...

i need stregth.. i need support... i don;t know where to find it.. i don't know how long i can go on smiling.. i just don't know..

i'm so so broken...

....

2006-12-26T18:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a wierd kind of time for me.. I dunno.. seems like everyone is hurting.. im so focused on helping them... breakups, unrequited love... seems like it all revolves around love, issues of the heart..

Just another reminder of how cruel the world can be..

In a few ways i've kind of given up on love.. I just can't be bothered anymore.. perhaps its just because it hurts less to give up.. maybe..

Im dying to finish my last few days of attachment.. then long weekend.. then back to skool... oh well.. all i know is.. this sem.. it's do or die.. i have to ace everything.. else... no merits for me..

I gotta go get ready for work then..
Maybe i'll update later..

Sigh..

2006-12-22T06:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i don't know what i'm doing from 1 minute to the next...

You know, it's really hard being everyone's pillar of strength.. it's hard to be the one people rely on or look to when they are in need.. I'm not complaining.. i am absolutely willing to give and be there and help, no questions asked.. But i always discover theat when this pillar of strength needs a little support.. she only has herself to depend on... at some point, i'm afraid the pillar will just crack and fall to pieces... I'm afrain i'll just fall to pieces...

How fair is it that me being who i am. Always trying to take care of everyone else.. Never has anyone to take care of me? God knows i know that giving is not about getting anything back... but i just wish that sometimes, i'd be on the recieving end..

i hate not having anyone to depend on.. i hate that i can't rely on anyone at all.. i hate that that when i help someone, and they are happy again.. they walk off and be happy with everyone else and just leave me in exactly the same place..

" it's like everyone came in the same big car and know each other and get along.. and i'm the girl that walked there.."

Most of all.. i hate all the disappointment...

Whenever i need help.. i need someone to be there for me.. There's no one there.. it's always about them and their problems.. Would someone freaking remember that im a freaking human being too???? sometimes its like when i try to reach out, "hey i'm feeling a bit down today.." and the response is " oh dear i hope you feel better, so any way i.....( insert problem here)"

Yah.. thanks for listening.

I swear i'm not saying never come to me for ur problems.. like i said before i'm glad to help.. and it's not your fault that you are caught up in ur own world.. I just wish sometimes, somebody would notice that i'm not all great either.. and for once ask me about me.. Then again, it's not your fault.. really.. It's human nature.. Guess i just need to find my other half.. the one person who i guess i will finally be able to rest my soul with.. to complete me and to fill all my emptiness.. To be my pillar..

So...

Dear god.. Just please give me strength... Let me be there for those i love but let me find someone to be there for me.. to be my strength.. to be my pillar... cause right now, i feel like i'm starrting to crack inside and some cracks are starting to show on the surface.. pls god let me find that person before i totally crash and burn..Soon.

2006-12-18T06:33:00.000-08:00

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but youI'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughtsIn my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

that's enough..

2006-12-16T08:12:00.000-08:00

i think i've shed enough tears don't you?

funny how no matter how many times i say that.. it keeps coming.. tear stained pillows in the morning.. and remembering how i cried myself to sleep the night before.. not that it's a not a common occurence... I mean.. when you are not allowed to show your emotions the only safe place to do it is in the comfort of your own bed right..

it's really quite stupid to be crying over it.. i mean.. what exactly am i crying about?
you can't lose what you never had...
Square peg.. Round hole..

"when winter comes in summer
when there's no more forever
when lies become the truth
That's when i'll stop loving you.."

Enough now.. enough.

Temporary insanity

2006-12-14T10:04:00.000-08:00

I can't believe i was msging with HIM today.. It's so wierd.. even wierder that i absolutely don't regret not being his girl anymore.. oh gawd.. Why was i with him again? Did someone say because i loved him?? No? Oh that's right.. Temporary insanity..

Temporary insanity..
The excuse for most of my past relationships..
I think for once i want to go into a relationship SANE..
But not now... not for awhile..
Not till i fix everything else i guess...

Watched a movie called The Holiday.. pretty my kinda movie.. depressing but inspiring movie.. I know.. i'm totally contradicting myself.. but yah.. i cried like 3 times... cause i'm just the sort that can't stand to see other's cry( plus i soooo felt the movie )... but i guess.. it's just a movie... life doesnt happen like that.. i watched happy feet last week.. watched with a friend then the next day end up watching it for the second time with ma mum cause she wanted to watch.. haha.. but i like the movie so watching it twice wasnt bad.. hehe..

i bought a 70 dollar dress today!... omg.. i'm mad..
oh and may get ma echo woman soon!! yay! i love christmas!!

Hmm.. going out with another bestie of mine tomorrow.. yay! finally i get to chill awhile before geron attachment.. heh..

alright.. updates later... :D

Beauty in the breakdown

2006-12-14T09:41:00.000-08:00

Theres Beauty in the Breakdown

Theres Beauty in the Breakdown
Shes so beautifully broken down
if it was broken then, you know it's broken now
The Broken Beauty is in rehab
her hearts addict'd to disasters
and past life chapters
shes not sure what shes after
cant be mad at her
she's too beautiful...
Beautifully Broken

B.C. Ford

Random..

2006-12-13T09:09:00.000-08:00

Hey...

This is a new blog im setting up.. just for the heck of it..
I'm rather in a tired crappy mood at the moment, i have no idea what to do except finish this blog then sleep... i kinda feel like i just want to scream at the top of ma voice too...

Pent up emotions...

You know i guess the bottom line is that i know it's just not meant to be.. Yes.. love is love.. but i just wanna stay friends.. Don't tell me how stupid i am.. don't tell me how ridiculous im being and that you just don't understand why its so hard.. It just is.. I love him and a part of me always has and always will.. but.. some things just.. are not meant to be...

Enough about me..

Bebe,
Be strong ok.. i know it's hard.. i totally understand... and i hope you know by now that i'm always there for you.. but at times like this.. we just got to let god lead us and trust that he has our best interest and happiness at heart.. Sometimes giving in and breaking down always seems like the easiest thing to do.. but cmon.. you've braved through worst.. and just like those times.. i'll always be beside you.. Best friends for life right.. We'll take it day by day k bebe.. I love you like CRAZY!! *muacks*

Love, Me